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Recently I joined one of the most elite fraternities in America: I am now, officially, a homeowner.

Actually, the fraternity of homeownership has only recently become elite. From what I can understand, a year ago almost anybody could be a homeowner. But fortunately a recent correction in membership standards has skimmed the roster remarkably—though it has done so at the cost of making “sleeping under a bridge” positions much more difficult to find.

Nevertheless, I somehow made it in. And with the zeal that new members always experience when they first join an organization, I am thrilled to extol to anyone who will listen the virtues of membership.

Among other benefits, homeownership grants full membership into exclusive, members-only clubs. I am speaking, of course, of Home Depot.

Home Depot is an incredible place that you can’t truly experience as a renter. Sure, you can go into Home Depot as a renter. You can walk wistfully among the 2x4s and solid-surface countertops and think, “I wonder where you store something like that?” As a renter, you have no equivalent to the Home Depot—a place where you can go to buy things that cause the value of your home to appreciate. The closest thing you have as a renter is Spencer’s Gifts. And things you buy there will only appreciate the value of your apartment if you’re 17 and your girlfriend likes blacklights and shrooms. And eventually she’s going to leave you for a guy in a Greatful Dead cover band anyway, so Spencer’s Gifts is really not a good long-term investment.

But once you’re a homeowner, you can walk into Home Depot and, suddenly, you have a right to anything you want. Not only do you have a right, you are an expert in that type of home renovation. You can walk in, grab a lumber cart, and scream: “I’m a homeowner! I need two foundations and an equity NOW!”

And a salesperson will politely say, “Excuse me, Sir?” And you will say, “And throw in some expansion joints while you’re at it!”

That’s right. Suddenly, there are all kinds of things that you are in no way qualified for—that, in fact, can only jeopardize your life and may well cause your house to collapse slowly into the sink hole that was created when you tried to install your custom-made drip irrigation system under the deck you made from fence slats to save money over the lumber that idiot in the orange bib tried to con you into.

Case in point, I just spent a weekend doing electrical work.

In case there is any question, I know nothing about electrical work. That’s not true. I know that if the TV turns on, the electrical works. And if it doesn’t you need to change the batteries. So, having completed rewiring of a number of electrical outlets in my new home (several of which can still power some things), I feel this is a good place to offer some safety tips to other new homeowners.

Tips for electrical safety:

  1. Before doing any electrical work, you should find out whether your state has any Good Samaritan laws. These laws require that a person who witnesses someone doing harm to someone intervene. If your state does have such laws, you’re in luck. Let’s say you need a new electrical outlet installed. Here’s what you do: Walk into your Home Depot and say, “I need a new electrical outlet. I’m planning to dig until I find an underground powerline. I need 15 Amps and a set of tongs, please.” And, knowing that you’re clearly about to do harm to yourself, the Home Depot person is obligated to install the outlet for you.
  2. Remember that your circuit breakers are there for your safety. If you turn off the breaker on the circuit you’re working with, it will keep you from being electrocuted. However, it will also turn off the lights where you’re working and it’s very dangerous to work in the dark. That’s why I prefer to leave circuit breakers on. Not only do you get the safety of light (especially if it’s coming from the light fixture that you’re working on), but you also get the added light of all the arcs shooting across the room and, sooner or later, the lights from the ambulance. Actually, though, I don’t recommend working with ambulance light. It’s like being an electrician at a disco. Which is only okay if you’re a Village People.
  3. Remember to ground your electrical work. Grounding is called earthing in England. I don’t what it means in either country. But I know it’s critical to safety. So, I assume it’s safest just to lay wires all over the ground. Of course, no one has any way to know which wire is the “ground wire,” so to be safe it’s smart to lay all the wires in a cable on the ground. Remember that most electrical wire comes with at least two extra backup wires. So when you’re doing electrical work, I recommend that you just keep poking wires into a socket until something happens, such as you waking up on the floor with a headache, unable to account for the last three hours.

That’s pretty much all you need to know about electrical work. After you complete your job, it’s important to know that only your appliances with batteries will work, so home electrical work is also a great way to save energy and “go green.”

And, if you need more electricity, you can just buy some more at Home Depot. You might use it to run your lava lamp after your house burns down and you move back into an apartment.