Patterns of Amish Courtship
By: Gertrude Lindener-Stawski
Amish courting practices, according to the religious tradition, are based
on the belief that there is only one right mate for each individual.
Marriages are made in heaven and there is no possibility of divorce.
Thus, one had better choose well and with sincere prayer, to know God's
will. In actual practice, though, the situation is somewhat more
ambiguous.
Ideally, the courting process should be one in which the couple get to
know each other and how well their personalities will mesh. They find out
whether the intended partner will be a good worker, parent, partner, and
church member. Qualities such as character, patience, ability to
cooperate, thrift and frugality, competence, and humility are assessed.
The two get to know each other as persons. It is thought that indulgence
in any physical contact is undesirable, as that would get sensual desires
aroused, distracting attention from the primarily rational and functional
exploration of a person's capacity to be a productive and helpful member
of a family economic team.
Biblical injunctions against lusts of the flesh, youthful indiscretions,
chambering and wantonness, fleshly dsires, etc. are supposed to be taken
very seriously, these all being considered sinful. Purity is the ideal,
complete purity of motive and behavior. It seems even holding hands, or
sitting close together, let alone kissing or necking, are sure to launch
one on the slippery slope of sensual lust which leads inexorably to guilt,
shame and remorse. It is even thought by some that two or three hours
together
of talking every second week during the courting period is sufficient time
together!
There are many settings and occasions when young people between the ages
of sixteen and twenty-four can mix and meet. Frolics and bees and
weddings--all carefully structured social events-- provide opportunities
to meet potential partners. However, the primary meeting ground is the
Sunday evening singing. In the buggy rides to or from these events the
young people pair off for further time together, usually going to the
girl's home afterwards where they will have some limited privacy to talk
further while the rest of the family is asleep. Not surprisingly more than
conversation frequently occurs, perhaps even kissing, necking and petting.
The religious strictures against physical contact give way to more lenient
patterns of behavior which actually have a well-established tradition of
acceptability as long as sexual intimacy is avoided. The couple tries to
be discreet, even secretive, about time together to avoid heckling and
pranks from some of their unattached peers or siblings.
Also influencing Amish courting patterns is the period of development
during which as-yet-unbaptized adolescents try out some of the worldly
aspects of the larger culture such as cars, radios, musical instruments,
"English" clothes, movies, beer drinking, etc. This is done discreetly, so
that parents don't know, or pretend not to know. Peer groups are an
essential part of the experimentation. Parents often help in this process;
even the church takes a lenient view, feeling that young people have to
get those ideas out of their systems before they can make an informed
and serious decision as to whether they want to make a lifelong commitment
to the church and to the Amish life. Parents turn their heads, pretending
not to notice. They may even give money to help the youth buy a car, may
even allow him to park it at home behind the barn. Neighbors and local
businessmen may also conspire helpfully.
Ideally, it is hoped, courting will not be undertaken until this
experimenting time, the Rumspringa, is over and the youth has been
baptized and is subject to the sanctions of the church. Then he or she
settles down to serious, practical courting with a pure heart and equal
parity of actions that have only the family-to-be's future in mind. It is
not surprising that such an ascetic and rational mode of mate selection is
not followed by all. For one thing, this requires a very disciplined
personality. The mind must be kept focussed on the practical, not the
emotional, or (God forbid!) on the physical pleasures of a love
relationship. Such things are reserved strictly for the time after the
marriage knot is tied. There should, ideally, be no casual dating;
courting is supposed to be serious business, not pleasure. Some parents,
with their longer repertoires of life experiences, may well appreciate
such restrained ways, but it hardly seems appealing to the enthusiasms of
youth.
Amish individuals tend to see the problems of these ambiguous patterns of
courtship in various ways. First, there are those who worry about touching
behavior that starts young people "on the slippery slope to sin". These
are the people who see the problem
as religious teachings not being taken seriously, the rules
not being obeyed, purity not guiding behavior.
Others perceive problems from quite an opposite view, by putting their
emphasis on what has been customary behavior in their own younger days,
that is, parental looking away and indulging experimental behavior which
usually includes considerable physical contact such as necking and
petting. For them the problems lie in the stresses to community unity
that come from trying to be very strict about the rules in a way that
makes little allowance for the vagaries of young human nature. Those
who insist on strict behavioral limits may well be considered too
prideful and self-righteous, as the example of the 'covering bunch' in the
novel Katie shows.
It is interesting that in the excerpts from the Nov. 98, and Jan. 99
issues of Young Companion this second point of view is not aired at
all, except in the question from 'Puzzled and Wondering' that launched the
flood of responses from editors and readers in the first place. It would
seem from the general prevalence of necking and petting behavior, that
majority sentiment is not for great strictness in avoiding sensory
pleasures (provided the girls don't get pregnant). Yet that possible
majority does not feel free to speak out or to justify its attitudes in
print. Perhaps the Bible's role as the one unimpeachable authority
silences contrary opinion. In the novel Katie we do find a good
many people ready to justify these attitudes on a person-to-person basis,
with considerable resentment against what they consider the Hochmut
of those on the other side of the issue. Both in Katie, and in "No
Pangs of Guilt" the mothers give their daughters no support in their
desire to
remain pure during courtship. Both mothers roundly criticize
their daughters for losing a good potential mate over such a
"silly" idea as re f using to neck. Even some of the ministers in
Katie were inclined to let the flap over the pamphlets on the
covering issue pass, saying the girls would get over it once they started
to date. In The Mennonite Soldier (p. 149-159) Mastie
says, "Pop never told us about his courting days, so I don't see
any reason why I should tell him about mine. I'm sure he did plenty."
When, earlier, Pop had asked to have Mastie excommunicated, it was for
fighting, not for sexual behavior.
Splits in the community, and especially among the youth over differing
interpretations of rules for behavior seem to be more of an issue than the
various behaviors themselves. How to keep unity in the community seems to
be the question overriding all others. I think that it is a basic
survival issue. Unity can be seen in psychological terms as one form
of the "courage to be", as Paul Tillich puts it, and in religious terms as
a requirement of the gathered community--the church as bride of
Christ--that it be of one mind. The many mechanisms used by the Amish
for maintaining this unity are ingenious and effective: shunning those who
differ; twice yearly ordnungsgemee; freedom for experimentation for
youth so that only those who really want to stay decide to do so; keeping
the groups small enough to be face-to-face; etc. The de tails of
how to be separated from worldly matters have changed gradually over time,
as long as the basic principal is kept. But the group must remain
united over its understanding of those details. Disunity destroys the
group.
I see some problems with the Amish ways of courtship, but also some great
strengths. There is enormous practical advantage in having young
people not focus their attention on the heady sexual
dimensions of a boy/girl relationship. Attention is thereby directed to
the long range matters of character, competence, and ability to work
together and care for each other, which in the long run are better
predictors of marital success than the romantic passions on which American
culture seems to focus so entirely. The many arguments given for this
approach in Young Companion are convincing on practical grounds,
aside from the religious arguments also brought to bear. Sex-obsessed
young twentieth century Americans could profit from thinking about this so
un-Hollywood approach. In fact one finds many ministers and counselors
making just such suggestions, even without religious overtones, to
confused young people.
For me the greatest problem with the Amish system is in its seeming
avoidance of affectional physical contact among family members in general.
The exception seems to be the generous loving, cuddling, and cooing that a
baby gets in its first two years of life. I wonder about the effect of the
lack of overt showing of affection between married couples and among other
family members. There does seem to be deep affection and respect in
families and between married couples. When family members meet after a
long absence, as when Katie and her mother meet again after Katie's three
year absence working in the Ozarks, they do not hug, but grasp each
others' hands and look into each others' eyes. One of the loveliest
pictures in John Hostetler's book on the Amish in on page 175--a young
farmer with his young son on his lap as he guides the team pulling his
hayrake. The protective arms around the barefoot boy speak volumes about
the father and his son. Affection, of course, .has many forms of
expression besides physical contact, but
the strong cultural bias against easy and relaxed physical touching
behavior seems likely to leave many with unmet needs in this area.
Is there some unnamed fear--of sentimentality, of distraction from work,
of emotional dependence, of vulnerability, of too much pleasure?--in the
lack of expressive affection for anyone except babies? It seems to me an
unrealistic view of human nature. No sex education is given growing
children by their parents, though information is picked up from peers and
from observing farm animals. One wonders whether the absence of natural,
unselfconscious, affectionate behavior in the family--in favor of work
oriented attention--coupled with the severe religious censure of any kind
of lust, has something to do with the eagerness of young adults to jump
into necking and petting when they are old enough to date. It would seem
much healthier, and less ambiguous emotionally, if young couples were free
to and comfortable about holding hands in public and amongst family and
friends, with more natural and less severe
supposed limits on touching behavior.
The other issue that bothers me about Amish courtship practices is the way
in which the girl must take a completely passive role,
in keeping with the accepted male dominance of the society. Katie pretends
not to be interested in the very boys who do interest her. She must not
take even the slightest initiative, or show the slightest interest. This
is common enough in many cultures, and until recently, in American society
also. Yet it introduces a note of dishonesty and game playing into
relationships which are better kept open, straightforward and trusting.
The role of Amish women as subordinate to men is almost certainly the
cause in this case. The result is a limited view of the possibilities
in male-female relationships, which is of course confirmed by the courting
patterns, both in their ideal form and in the more usual permissive
variations on it.
The practical emphasis in Amish courting has much to recommend it. The
over-severity of physical restrictions so widely ignored by many and yet
the subject of concern and division, seems one of the weaknesses. Yet the
Amish practice compares favorably with the wider American society, in its
result of stable and solid marriages. Maybe, even with all the ambiguity,
the Amish have learned, by and large, how to choose wisely?