Expectations during Amish Courtship - A Double-edged Sword
By: Amy Cortopassi
Ironically, a teenage reader of Seventeen magazine, who regularly
reads articles
like "How to be a Good Kisser," or "Staying STD Free," might be shocked to
learn about the mate selection process of Amish young people. While both
groups of young people view courtship and dating as a time of social
experimentation and friendship, the casual attitude held by outsiders when
it comes to premarital physical intimacy is not always shared by the
Amish. The Amish consider courtship to be a time of "discussing the
matters of life and sharing opinions" with the ultimate purpose being "to
blend
characters and personalities into one faith, hope and love (creating) a
Christian home which God can bless."' Thus, adhering to Christian beliefs
during courtship is an
important focus for Amish young people. However, the emphasis on learning
about one's "friend" spiritually and emotionally does not mean that the
temptation and desire for physical intimacy does not exist. For the Amish,
questions on how "far to go" with
physical contact and passionate feelings cause many problems. Similar to
Seventeen
readers, inconsistencies between the dominant subculture (how the majority
of one's peers or group behave), church dogma, and parental guidance
confuse Amish young people.
Amish dating and courtship practices may seem innocent enough. Group
activities are encouraged through "Sunday evening singing."' These weekly
events arc a time when Amish youths from surrounding districts come
together to socialize, and they are "usually held at the same house where
the morning preaching was held."' Besides providing a
chance to socialize and sing, "Sunday evening singing" allow a boy to
arrange a date with
a girl. Usually the first date involves him escorting her home from the
singing that
evening, and then conversation at her home. Further dates, when they are
going "steady," mean that he will visit her every other Saturday night.
During the weekly nocturnal visits, the girl's parents are asleep, so the
couple has privacy to openly discuss issues important
to them and get to know each other. However, as epitomized in "No Pangs of
Guilt," sitting close, kissing, and petting are also common activities
during the Saturday night
visits; and these actions are often questioned by youths seeking a
virtuous, love-inspiring
relationship.
In "No Pangs of Guilt," Kathryn tells her beau of one year, Leroy, about
the guilt
she experiences because of their kissing and petting. Kathryn wants to
change their relationship so that it is free from lust so she persuades
Leroy, "Please try to understand when I say I can't go on the way we were.
It's against my convictions, and I don't feel our courtship can be
blessed, nor our marriage after courtship, if we indulge in something
which is plainly forbidden outside of marriage." However, Leroy argues
that all of the
other couples engage in the same activities without any negative
consequences and fails
to agree with Kathryn at the time. Likewise, Kathryn's mother disagrees
with her confrontation too. She admonishes Kathryn for becoming upset at
Leroy over "such a minor thing" because Kathryn's convictions do not
conform to those in her social group. Although Leroy does eventually agree
with Kathryn, his earlier refusal to understand, like that of Kathryn's
mother, represents the contradictions that arise between the Amish
ideals of conforming to one's group and following the Bible.
For Amish young people, two aspects of their religion and culture make the
issue of physical intimacy during courtship difficult to resolve. As
members of their community, they must follow the teaching of Scripture,
which include, "Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims,
abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul" and "That
whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery
with her already in his heart," among other verses guarding against lust
and temptation. So Amish young people are aware of the Church's
disapproval of close physical contact even when it is not fornication.
However, among couples in one's peer group, kissing and petting are
justified as harmless since they stop before the greater sin of premarital
sex occurs. Furthermore, "Individualism is extremely difficult to
accommodate in the Amish subculture during adolescence and the period of
courtship, for it is during this time that the person must demonstrate his
loyalty to the peer group." Thus, when person or couple object to physical
intimacy, which is the norm among their group, they may be viewed as
self-righteous even though they are merely following the purity prescribed
in the Bible.
The contradiction between the expectations of a religion or culture and
the acceptance of peers is not a uniquely Amish problem. But since Amish
adolescents experience the confusion, frustration, and guilt often brought
on by this contradiction, it fosters further understanding about Amish
culture for outsiders. Outsiders may view the problems of Amish courtship
as new way of looking at Amish culture. Despite the Amish devotion to
religion, nonconformity with the world, and close family/community ties,
peer pressure and sexual desires (frequently cited concerns among
Seventeen readers) still exist.